I barely made it through last week, but I did…because everything will always be “ok” right? I wasn’t sure what more could happen in one week, but here we are in a new week that seems to be dragging. Friday, I woke up from the worse nightmare I’ve had in a very long while since this disaster happened. I dreamt that we were having an argument, you left the house just as you did that morning…instead, you took your cell phone and called me as you were driving down the highway, but you wouldn’t tell me what direction. Suddenly, I heard a crash, I heard you scream….then silence, I knew you wrecked and immediately hung up the phone and called 911. You died instantly in the accident and as I was driving to the scene I saw your body on the far side of the road….as I was trying to run to you through weeds, dirt and gravel I woke up practically running out of bed. I was running to look for you in the theatre room to tell you I had just had a dream you died and it was awful! I made to the bedroom door before I collapsed on the floor and realized you really were dead and this horrible fucking nightmare was true.. I crawled back in bed and cried for a good two hours before Bella woke up.
Today seemed like an entire week in one day, time has suddenly slowed down and I woke up today feeling like I’m floating around not sure which direction I’m going in. I’ve been thinking a lot about your future lately, [that hit me on Friday], watching our friends graduate…it hit me hard that I will never get to see you get “hooded” and walk for your master’s degree; no matter how much you protested I know you would’ve ended up walking for us! I found myself stuck in thoughts about all the amazing things you would have done as a social worker, how you would have fulfilled your dreams of helping other veterans. It sent me into a whirlwind that stopped me……. I cried a lot during that ceremony and was grateful we were seated in the front row so that no one could really see me. I spoke with some professor’s, friends, and colleagues who wished us well and offered condolences for this tremendous loss.
Saturday came and it was my birthday and I wanted nothing to do with it. This time last year we graduated, celebrated my birthday and celebrated a memorable Mother’s Day. I could have never imagined one year later I’d be here, alone and trying to understand how this all happened? Some days it feels like you died a year ago, but it hasn’t even been six months. This is all so fresh still, this wound that I keep trying to stick a band-aid on keeps bleeding through and finding its way to make a mess all over the place when I least expect it….like driving to work, waiting for Johnathan on the playground after school, feeding the dogs…I’ve become an expert at crying and knowing when to control it and when to set it free.
Johnathan has started a countdown to California and the U2 concert, he keeps singing all your favorite songs and requests them every morning on the drive to school. He knows pretty much knows every word to every song now. Speaking of songs, Harry Styles has hit me hard….I heard his new single weeks ago! Loved it, felt the Paul McCartney influence and thought I was pretty cool being a Harry Styles fan…then I read that this song was about death. I went back and listened to the lyrics and fell apart……pretty sure that happened in the liquor aisle at the grocery store, go figure! Then I saw the video and felt a deep connection with you. No matter how much everyone has told me that you would want more happy in my life than sad, I still get so angry with you and resentful…I can’t help it…but dammit Harry Styles really hit me into an emotional mess and realization that what I think you would want for me is “stop my crying”. As angry as I am with this whole situation I do my best to pick myself up off the floor and work hard to make you proud! “I just want to get away from here” I trust that we will meet again somewhere….far away from here, together in another time and place, just not yet…I have too much work to finish first, too much work in your honor, to finish your work in this life is my mission. I am so deeply honored by the people who have stuck by my side….especially during my angry, ugly crying, can’t see through the pain kind-of-moments..
Josh, please, please, please, please watch over our son, protect him, let him know everything is going to be ok!!! I love you, I miss you, I want you Home.
For you, Harry Styles tonight….