I woke up two days ago from a nightmare. I woke up gasping for air, I was confused and didn't understand what was happening and I didn't know if I was still dreaming. I laid back down and was itching my arms. I remembered my dream, we were laying on the floor playing with Isabella and Johnathan, you told me to grab the red ball for Bella, so I did. When I was handing it over to you the ball fall apart into hundreds of tiny spiders that started crawling up my arm, I couldn't shake them off and they were so fast. I jumped up and started screaming for help and I couldn't find you anymore, I ran outside screaming your name and you were no where to be found; suddenly I knew you were gone and I started screaming that I needed your help and you weren't here, I was so angry at you because something terrifying had just happened to me and you were not around to help. I woke up. Needless to say there are many times throughout everyday that I need you and get so angry that you aren't here to help.
I had to put this away for a while, I couldn't finish writing this....I know what the trigger was for that dream, I know what the trigger has been for my anxiety since that nightmare...today marks 100 days without you. I typed that, shut my laptop closed and ran out the door and escaped the house for a few hours. I had lunch with a friend who hasn't been afraid of my grief, who allows me to carry her with me when it's too much to handle. On a day like today, I needed that. We had dinner at your parents later. Everything today seemed empty. hazy. I can't believe we have lived 100 days without you. I got a canvass of you and sawyer and hung up in the living room this week, Johnathan says good morning to you everyday and goodnight; Bella points at the picture and says "dada", I try not to look for too long, it gets overwhelming fast, hard to breathe, heart starts pounding, and just as I feel my eyes well up with tears I look away from it. It's my favorite picture of you, with Sawyer; you are so happy, you were so happy to have your dog, why wasn't that enough!? Monday is Sawyer's birthday, we had planned his birthday soon after he came home. We were going to make him a doggie cake, give him treats and a new scarf. I am so grateful for Sawyer, he has saved us many times, his purpose is so much more now, for all of us he is piece of you.
I went back and thought about 101 days ago. It was Thursday, you worked and I worked late. On my way home that evening you wanted me to bring you home Taco Bell for dinner, that was our last dinner together. The kids were asleep when I got home and I sat at the table with you while you ate. We talked about our day, we laughed about something on T.V. It was quiet, it was just us two. We fell asleep to a movie. I think about what I would have said if I would have known that was going to be the last night we slept together, the last night we would have dinner together, the last time you would kiss our kids goodnight, and that you kissed me goodnight. What would I have wanted you to know? everything.
100 days ago was the worst day of my life. I was so sure you were coming home; I miss that ignorance. That ignorance that I lived in, that nothing bad could happen to our family, that I believed so much that good things happen to good people and if we lived as good people forever, nothing could ruin that. When I believed that bad things had purpose...like karma. It's true; ignorance IS bliss. Because now I live in a world where I know bad things can happen to innocent people, good people and lives can be shattered, that your life can be taken away and changed forever. Everyone else will move on and continue with their lives, but we will forever be shattered by this, we will forever be grieving from this. The world we live in now makes no sense. Johnathan's innocence is shattered, his innocent mind and perfect world was ripped away and he doesn't understand why; his dad wasn't sick, he wasn't in a car accident, all he knows is his daddy needed help and somewhere there in the grey area he died.
96 days ago....or somewhere there..... we sat and planned your funeral. I can't remember much of that week. I can't remember much of the details that we chose, I just remember feeling overwhelmed, dreamlike, and deep sadness. The smell still haunts me. Walking into a room full of caskets and trying to pick out the best one for you. I remember looking for something you would be comfortable in and a design you would appreciate. I stopped myself and thought, comfortable? will he care? well, I do. I want him comfortable I suppose. I touched each one, picked out the ornaments that surrounded the corners of your casket, turned and asked your brother and parents if these choices were all ok....all the while not even sure you would be able to be seen in a casket, not sure if we could do an open casket, or a public service at all yet. All we knew at that point was the damage was so severe to your body that there was no way to tell what the funeral home would be able to salvage or serve us for. We picked out a casket anyway and hoped for the best...I needed to see you one last time. We continued planning the celebration of your life, carefully, with every detail matched to perfection. I got the call a few days later that you had arrived at the funeral home, I was told they could do it, "we can do the casket" and I remember hearing, "but I will need you bring Josh a high collard shirt or something to cover his neck fully....and his entire body......but I think we can do this....when he's ready we'll let you decide"....I mumbled something and hung up and said "oh my god, what did they do to you?!" my mind started racing, how bad was it? would you even be recognizable? can we change our minds last minute if i'm not happy with the presentation? my mind went to the most morbid thoughts I can't even believe I was imagining now. Then, I saw you.....I felt weak. I touched your hand, your face, your lips, your hair...from then on I couldn't leave your side. I sat and stood with eye sight on you at all times. I cried and did my best to answer all of Johnathan's questions. When the last person left the public viewing, I was the last person sitting in the room, alone, just you and me.......the assistant asked if I would like to help close the casket and lock it for the night until the honorary service the next day. I said yes....He held my hand as I walked up to the casket, touched your lips again, fixed your tie, held your hand, I told you goodnight, love...I locked the drawer, brought down the casket, locked it, draped over the flag, and walked away......
100 days is here...I wrote it down my calendar, "100 days...you made it this far...keep going..."
I love you, I miss you, I want you home.